Monday, August 04, 2014

Memphis Movie Review: Guardians of the Galaxy

Guardians of the Galaxy

I went to see "Guardians of the Galaxy" Friday night. I won't bore you with the standard summary of the story or any .... no wait, yes I will. But I'll make it fast.

I love wiffle ball!

Dude from "Parks and Recreation" lands on a barren planet and searches through wreckage until he finds a metal wiffle ball. Gang of black dudes show up and try to take it from him, Memphis-style, saying a guy named Ronin wants it. Parks and Rec dude escapes and runs to another planet where a chipmunk-looking guy is supposed to buy it from him. But then Parks and Rec mentions to Alvin Chipmunk that Ronin wants it. Alvin the Chipmunk then refuses to buy it and throw Parks and Rec out.

Just as Parks and Rec is being thrown out, a hot and sexy green woman with no eyebrows spots him. She is played by Zoe Saldana, who was once a hot and sexy blue woman in a much older sci-fi movie. For the sake of clarity I'll simply call her Zoe Saldana, because that is who she is. Zoe sees Parks and Rec and immediately asks him about the metal wiffle ball. He has no idea what it is and tells her so. She informs him that Ronin sent her to get it and that she wants it. He offers to sell it to her, but she simply tries to take it. While they are fighting, a raccoon and his friend, an Ent from Lord of the Rings, whose name is Grok, also join in the fight to take the wiffle ball. The police come and arrest them all.

The whole lot of them are hauled to a prison and forced to wear ugly yellow clothes. Zoe manages to make them look sexy despite how ugly they are. While in prison a professional wrestler from WWE recognizes Zoe as someone important to Ronin. He says that Ronin killed his wife and kids and so he wants to kill Ronin's girl for revenge. But Parks and Rec saves her, convincing WWE Wrestler that it would be smarter to keep her alive and wait for Ronin himself to come try to rescue her. WWE decides that this sounds like a good idea. Meanwhile, Zoe is confused as to why Parks and Rec would save her after she try to kill him to take the wiffle ball, apparently unaware that she has the only vagina in the entire place.

Rocky Raccoon and his Ent friend inform Parks and Rec, Zoe and WWE that he has escaped from every prison he has ever been in and he is going to escape from this one, so if they are interested in getting out, they might help him. They have nothing better to do, so they do. The escape works and they get out.

Ronin wants the wiffle ball and the hot green girl

They travel to a planet made out of the skull of an ancient being and run smack into Ronin. Ronin has sworn to acquire the wiffle ball for a much more powerful man named Thanos. He sent his green woman, as well as a blue woman who is Karen Gillan from Dr Who, to retrieve it. But they have failed so Ronin has come himself. He takes the wiffle ball and also wants his green woman back.

Where's the wiffle ball?

Blah blah blah - lots of carnage and Ronin kicking the crap out of WWE and then Ronin rebels against Thanos and breaks open the wiffle ball to find a glowing green gem inside. Ronin tells Thanos, in effect, "fuck you, I'm keeping the stone and using it myself. Nya!" The stone gives Ronin amazing powers of mass destruction, sort of like the President of the United States or the head of the EPA. Ronin decides to go to the planet where Parks and Rec tried to sell the stone and use it to kill every living thing on the planet. Or as he puts it, in perfect environmentalist-speak, to 'cleanse' the planet.

Parks and Rec and his band of merry men, plus Zoe in sexy leather pants, set out to stop him from his deadly mission. There is a gratuitous shot of Zoe's ass in tight pants, which was greatly appreciated by one and all, and then Ronin is tricked by some Kevin Bacon-style dance moves.

The movie has a happy ending, Zoe's perfect ass is featured a bit more, and then we see a scene at the very end (the VERY end after the credits) featuring The Collector and Howard the Duck. Yes, HOWARD THE DUCK! But you have to wait through all the credits for it, just like you have to do with all of the movies connected to The Avengers' storyline, which, believe it or not, this movie is.

This is a good movie. It's really funny and a lot of fun and its not so ridiculous that you have to suspend all disbelief like some Matt Damon movie.  I give this film 4 stars. It's fun and it features Zoe Saldana's ass in leather pants.   Go see it!

Zoe's ass alone is worth the price of admission to this movie


  1. I'm not reading your review because I want to see it this weekend!!!!

    1. AlleyC, what?? I worked hard on this! OK, but you have to come back after and tell me if you agree with my post.

    2. of course!!!!! I don't want to spoil it for me. has a talking furry animal. I'm gonna like it :-)

  2. Well, this has been by far the best review I have read of this movie. Lots of bloggers have been pushing it, and it has sounded pretty f'ing boring up until now. I could follow along with your description of the movie much better! However, we are waiting for it to be released on dvd as I don't feel like being raped out of $60 to see this one at the theater.

    1. TheresaM, I guess if I had kids I'd take a similar view of the price of going to the movies today. But even so, make sure you get it. You'll like it!

  3. This comment has been removed by the author.

    1. Bronx, I didn't see that movie, but I hear it was really long and had absolutely no plot at all.

  4. A few things. First, as your site first opened on my computer and I got a quick glimpse of that first picture, my first thought was it looked like a scene with Goro in Outworld from the first "Mortal Kombat" movie. Only Goro, of course, has FOUR arms (I blew enough quarters in arcades on that game back then to know THAT).

    My next thought was, based on your very colorful narrative, one thing is certain to me. The VERY SAME hallucinogenic drugs that gave us movies such as "Labyrinth" (bog of eternal stench), those SAME DRUGS are still used by film makers now. (NOW, if only rock bands would get back to it, we'd have MUSIC again).

    Please note. I laughed loudly (not out loud) at the "powers of mass destruction", relative to the president and the EPA. An excellent, albeit sobering analogy.

    (Isn't Robert DeNiro "Ronan"? Oh, I guess that was another movie).

    So I had trouble getting to your comments section you know. First, I see a GREEN Zoe Saldana. Be it Star Wars, Star Trek or other SciFi movies, it would seem somehow that green ladies have become the powerfully sexually agreesive, sexy women of the SciFi genre. Followed, of course, by BLUE. So when I got to your last picture, I realized I have never actually SEEN Zoe's very-fine ass, not in ANY color and surely NOT for lack of trying. BUT ALAS, I DID make it to the comments section....

    ..but I MAY just go back...!

    1. Bronx, this movie was made from a comic book that was originally written .... maybe in the 1990s? I'm trying to think what drug was big in the 1990s and I can't decide if it was still cocaine or if meth had taken over yet.

      Green Zoe or blue Zoe or brown Zoe, I don't mind, I'd do her whatever color. If you haven't seen her ass before then you need to go see this movie. Actually, even if you have seen her ass you should go see this.

  5. Most accurate movie review ever.
    Chris Pratt tho. Nailed it.
    But.... didya catch the Nathan Fillion cameo?

    1. RoryB, thank you. I thought Chris Pratt did a good job. I was surprised to see Nathan Fillion. I wonder if he's looking to get in on the Marvell movies at some point with a bigger part?


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