Tuesday, July 22, 2014

10 Spectacular Things About Me


1. I'm anti-ambidextrous, which is to say, I'm equally clumsy with either hand or foot.

2. I'm bilingual. I can curse with such proficiency that it is practically a second language to me.

3. I'm a hard core environmental conservationist. Why just tonight I noticed that one of my bushes was being attacked by bagworms and another bush by fungus. So I absolutely drowned the bagworm bush in insecticide and the other bush in fungicide. No amount of poison is too much when I'm trying to save a plant, I tell you what!

4. I'm a dedicated athlete. I'll sit and watch professional sports for hours on end. And not just popular sports like football, but weird sports, too, like the Tour de France and Supercross and Formula 1 racing. I get all out-of-breath just watching these exciting events.

5. I'm a spectacularly skilled driver. Just a month or two ago I was at the Millington Motorsports Park go-kart racing against a small army of men and children. I ran a perfect line and never once used the brakes. I came in 2nd to last, but by God I drove beautifully up until my big crash.

6. I'm super entertaining at parties. All my friends are all the time sending me invites to their parties. And whenever there is dancing I am sure to be sitting in my seat watching them dance and smiling with appreciation for their enthusiasm. True, I rarely ever dance myself, but that's only because I completely suck at it. Perhaps my enthusiasm for other people's dancing is why I get invited? Or perhaps its simply because they send out mass-invites on Facebook and I'm one of a hundred people who receives one? Either way, I can almost always be counted on to reply with 'Maybe.'

7. Women find me fascinating. Everywhere I go, beautiful women pretend to totally ignore me, but I know that they're watching me out of the corner of their eyes and keeping up with my movements. Or perhaps they just think I'm creepy and look like a rapist? Either way, they're thinking about me and that's all that really matters.

8. Animals love me. Even as I write this my cat is sleeping on my foot. I don't know why she's sleeping on my foot, but while she's lying there my other cat has come in and tried to force her to move so he could sleep on my foot. Animals LOVE my feet.

9. I'm the smartest person in the room right now. Granted, I'm alone other than the cat, but she pees in a plastic box filled with crushed clay and eats rodents. How smart can she be?

10. I'm a super smart detective. 2 hours ago "Rizzoli and Isles" came on. It was a new episode. I watched 5 minutes of it, said to the Mrs "the husband did it" and walked out of the room. I didn't get a chance to watch the rest of the episode until the final 10 minutes, but sure enough, it was the husband. By God, I don't know why the FBI doesn't recruit me to come to Washington and solve their toughest cases. I'm damned good at TV mysteries!

Memphis Steve is my hero!

14 comments:

  1. This was hilarious and very insightful! Loved number 7.
    I also think I'm a top mentalist and can tell whodunnit in minutes. I don't know why I haven't been approached either.
    You should sell your socks to pet shops as catnip.

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    1. Jules, what a coincidence! I like to think of myself as hilarious and insightful. :-) Rizzoli and Isles is so PC that all I have to do is know what the PC trends are and I can usually guess whodunnit. This episode was based on the classic feminist misunderstanding of how men are, of which there are so many, but this was an obvious one.

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  3. In most "police" shows, it is usually always the washed-up, former sort-of-famous guest TV or movie actor/actress that was always the guilty party, Ergo, those were easy episodes to guess the guilty party.

    Don't forget to add Australian Rules Football to your sports regimen. It is a challenge to find but worth watching (and trying to figure out the strange scoring with three sets of scores within a score for each team as well as the referees who wear Jumanji-esque safari shorts, shirts and hats).

    I tell people that my only preferred dancing style is Kata (which, as you know, are martial arts "forms", the word "Kata" which translated from Japanese is akin to a "dance"). So, if they want to dance, as in "Kata", well fuck-yeah, I'm in, let's hit the floor!

    As for insecticide, well they have already removed everything that works from the shelves, so yeah, use the whole bottle! OR - with a can of aerosol hair spray and a lighter you could blow-torch those bugs outta your trees!

    (It takes several attempts anymore to get comments to post. Thank You Google)

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    1. Bronx, this wasn't an old washed up actor. This was a husband that the female audience would find unattractive and unmanly. He was a feminist stereotype based on how lesbians interact, not men and women. It was easy to spot.

      Right now I'm watching Canadian football. It's interesting sometimes. Lots of passing and hitting. Its less girlie than current NFL football has become, although I'm sure Canada can't be more manly than the US for long.

      I haven't done a kata in a looooong time. I'd have to pull out some escrima sticks and dance that way. Of course, I'd probably hurt someone totally by accident, including myself.

      Every time any insecticide actually works the EPA bans it. So I stocked up. I'm sure a no-knock warrant will be served any day now and I'll be killed for saving my plants with an insecticide they approved, then disapproved. They have their own army now and they use it like Lincoln used the union army to slaughter women and children nowhere near any battlefields. Obama did say he patterns himself after Lincoln, after all. And he meant it.

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  4. hahahaha you are quite spectacular!!!!

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    1. AlleyC, yes indeed, I am quite the ladies man!

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  5. Has this been a hellish summer or what????

    The only thing that has been good is I got to come home to the Professor.

    Some dumbass swooped down and scoped him up when we were on our walk. He turned into Cujo. I have told them over and over do not fucking touch his head or neck. That motherfucker almost got eaten alive. What other news had to go to ER doc appt. Got there and my blood pressure was over 200. I have normal blood pressure so the nurses gathered around and we did breathing things. Did not help. At the time, I was seething with anger fuz of another dumbass in my life. What else is new? Well lots but I cannot broadcast it yet but it is good news for me. Ur blog always makes me laugh and smile but we do live in the crazy place.

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    1. Stormy, some people have no brains. Once while in Connecticut my mother-in-law ran up to an obvious lesbian couple and scooped up a baby one of them had in a stroller. She was totally oblivious to the bulldyke growling at her as if she was going to jump on her and start biting. When I mentioned it to her she said "lesbians? What lesbians

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  6. You are simply amazing! It really is a wonder why the FBI isn't banging down your door to recruit you. Then again, if the FBI was banging on your door, I have a feeling it probably wouldn't be for a job ;)

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    1. Theresa, no, the FBI doesn't knock anymore. In fact, no one even remotely connected to any government agency, even our librarians, don't knock anymore. They blow the door and then charge in with their machine guns blazing. Welcome to the police states of America.

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    2. So true. Terrifying our children and killing our pets along the way.

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    3. Theresa, agreed. Did you hear about the flash grenade they threw that landed in a baby's crib with him? Blew up in the child's face and they had the wrong people AGAIN.

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