Sunday, November 16, 2014

YAAAAAA!!!

I'm lounging on the couch with my 2nd string laptop eating junk and watching football. There's a little black kitten pressed up against my hip for warmth because its cold in here and she didn't sleep all night. I know she didn't sleep because she yowled at the top of her lungs the entire time, which means I didn't sleep much either. Stupid cats. Why do we have so many cats?


While I was over on YouTube listening to screaming goats I saw a zillion videos by Elizabeth Banks. I love Elizabeth Banks, so of course I stopped watching screaming goat videos to watch her. Apparently another Hunger Games movie comes out in a few days? I saw the first one. I guess I should see the rest. I haven't read the books so I don't know where they're going with this, but as long as Elizabeth Banks is in it I'll stick around.

Hotness

Speaking of football, how the hell did Auburn University ever get ranked #4 in the nation? I've only seen them play the past 2 weeks, but in both games they were awful. I was shocked. Their defense can't tackle at all and their special teams are even worse. Their offense would be better if their quarterback would stop trying to run the ball so much and let the guys they recruited for that very purpose do it. No one in the NFL is recruiting quarterbacks for their ability to run so it isn't doing him any favors anyway.

Don't you have someone to do this for you?

I just farted and it was rough. I may have to go to the bathroom and check on the damage.

Ebay has made me crazy. I've been bidding like a lunatic on things I don't have any use for (imagine that!) and steadily raising my top bids in frustration at losing in the final seconds over and over. So eventually I'm going to end up paying $400 for something that is actually worth $200 just because I'm mad. Yeah, you wait and see. It's gonna happen.

Losing on Ebay? Throw more money!

I love how more and more cars built for American markets are made of cheaper and cheaper materials, and assume the owners are dumber and dumber. We can't have chromed steel bumpers or thick iron frames, but by God we have computers watching our blind spots and parking for us because, to be honest, half of us are too stupid and incompetent to do these things for ourselves. The more the cars do for us, the worse we get. Pretty soon it won't be an option to have the cars drive for you - it'll be mandatory simply because too many idiots will get their license without actually knowing how to drive their cars. Ah, but the biggest idiot drivers are experts at working a smartphone!


President Obama says he doesn't care who controls Congress because as president  he can just order whatever he wants be done by executive order and it'll be a new law, er, regulation. For those of you who think our government is bound by things like the Constitution and Bill of Rights, Obama's regulations have the exact same effect as legally passed laws, except that they aren't. You'll be arrested and thrown in a federal prison like Guantanamo if they accuse you of breaking them, but there is no actual law passed by your lawmakers that you can read and try to obey. You won't ever know what all the federal regulations are because Obama creates hundreds of new ones each day and doesn't bother telling anyone. You find out about it when armed thugs are kicking in your door and shooting your entire family. This is called "hope and change," "forward," and "fundamentally changing America." By the way, the FBI is now using a fleet of millions of drones to fly overhead and intercept your cell phone signals before it reaches an actual cell tower so Obama's secret police can record all your conversations. Your phone won't tell you its happening because as far as it can tell it connected to a cell tower and is working fine.

"I heard what you said about me."

I used to work for a large Fortune 500 auto parts company. While I was there I purchased the only quality item they ever manufactured - a jacket. I've worn this jacket, with their logo on it, for the past 10 years. Every once in a blue moon someone will see the logo on the jacket and stop me to ask questions about parts they need and whether "we" carry it. Luckily the inventory of the business hasn't changed in a long time so I can still answer their questions fairly accurately, which turns out to be faster than explaining that I don't work there anymore and don't recommend to anyone that they shop there. Yesterday a woman working the register in Lenny's Sub Shop held me up for 10 minutes to ask me about a headlight for her son's scooter. The more we talked the more she eaked out little bits of information that were critical to helping her. Finally she said the scooter was made in China and was really cheap. So then, no, "we" wouldn't carry any parts for that and neither will any of our competitors. Remove the entire assembly and replace it with something better, preferably made of metal instead of plastic and even more preferably not made in China.

"We steal American miritary technorogy and then we make this"

So, the kitten has moved and is now sleeping between my outstretched legs. And I just farted on her. I'll bet she's REALLY warm now.





Friday, November 07, 2014

In Training


What is this? Another post?? Surely something must be wrong! Memphis Steve has posted 4 times in one week! I thought this blog had closed.

No, no, the blog is still going. For now. And yes, it is odd that I have managed to post so many times in one week. But I'll let you in on a little secret ....

I'm not at work. I'm in training all this week.

And this training has absolutely nothing to do with my job. Yes, weird, right? My employer presented me with a list of training classes I could take and said, "sign up for something."

"Sign up for something"

"Well, lovely, except that none of these classes relate in any way to what I do here. And also, most of these classes are going to teach me how to do things that I am expressly prohibited from doing in accordance with federal law and acts of Congress and various such edicts that say what our team is permitted to do and what the other teams are permitted to do. Are you switching me to a different team? No? Well then, I will sign up for this class (clicking on a 5 day class that I know nothing about.) I hope it's fun and exciting (it isn't.)"

And then I promptly forgot all about this episode. It was months ago, after all.

"You have training next week. Did you know?"

Last week, on Friday, my boss came to my desk at 3:30 pm and said, "you have training next week. Did you know?"  No, I did not know. Training for what? "Its from that list we all had to sign up for. Your class is next week. You'll log in from home and take your training there."  Training from home? I'm going to be at home? All week? And sitting at my computer logged into training class? AT HOME? Hmm, this could be good and it could be bad. Either way, it should be interesting.

It hasn't been.

 Oooh, we are creating a 'mount point!' Doesn't that sound erotic? Hurray for training!


So anyway, now you know why I've been able to blog several times this week. On a normal week I'm locked in a secure area, sort of like that guy in "Mission Impossible" from whose computer they copied the 'noc list' while the sexy woman poisoned the guy and sent him sprinting for the bathroom to vomit his brains out. Yes, my office is exactly like that. Except without the sexy woman, Emmanuelle Beart, who stored poison in her pen. Or the shiny walls and floor. And also everyone is wearing a uniform instead of an Armani suit. And none of them have guns. Which seems really odd when you think about it.




Thursday, November 06, 2014

Memphis Grammar Police - Homophobia

Homonids
(also known as hominids)

Homophobia - an irrational fear of homonids; irrational fear of all human beings (without regard to their sexual habits or orientation.)


Homosexual

Homoerotophobia - an irrational fear of homosexuals and homosexual behavior, and/or being perceived as homosexual (the man in the photograph does not have homoerotophobia.)


As usual, the political crusaders are slaughtering the English language out of raging ignorance and a total lack of concern for the truth.


Ignorant

Ignorance - incomprehension of, unawareness of, unconsciousness of, unfamiliarity with, inexperience with, lack of knowledge about, lack of information about;


Many people today misuse the term 'homophobia' when, in fact, they really mean 'homoerotophobia.' Further, in most instances the rejection of behavior they are labeling as relating to their sexual orientation is, in reality, a rejection of the fact that they are assholes who intentionally stir shit up in hopes of being rejected so they can then claim for themselves the label of 'victim.' The label of 'victim' entitles the bearer to a multitude of prizes and privileges, including financial gain and appearances on Left-wing television programs, such as Oprah or anything on MSNBC. By rewarding assholish behavior, Western culture has, predictably, generated more and more of it, with increasing numbers of people segregating themselves into various 'victim groups' in the hopes of going on a religious/political crusade against perceived 'sinners,' which are merely all those who dare to disagree with the victim groups. The goal is to destroy those 'sinners' rights and freedoms in court, with the help of 'activist  judges.' Activist judges are those judges who blatantly discard the law and issue rulings based on personal feelings and the desire to join a particular victim group in order to reap personal rewards for themselves, such as a book deal or speaking tour, both of which often pay handsomely.  

The more ignorant people there are, the more victim groups there are, all demanding 'social justice', which is merely a kind of revenge for slights both real and (mostly) imagined, and the more activist judges there are shredding the Constitution and Bill of Rights, leaving all homonids of all the Western nations without any rights whatever, and instead replacing those lost rights with government-granted privileges which may be withdrawn at any time by government.

Ultimately, this rampant ignorance leads to the total loss of individual rights and freedoms and the establishment of dictatorship, under which all people are victims, but can expect no relief or recompense for their suffering.

  

Wednesday, November 05, 2014

IWSG: Another lost copy of my book


The year is almost over and so far I have had 3 separate hard drive failures take my writing and flush it down the black hole of lost data. 3! The most recent was 2 days ago when my newest Dell laptop simply decided that it didn't want to work anymore. So it quit.  Dead hard drive. Again.

Ah, but I got smart, remember? I set up Dropbox to automatically keep backup copies of my book for me for just such an occasion as this! What a smart guy I am!

I went to my desktop and opened up Dropbox. I went to the files for my book. I looked at the date. It's 2 months behind. WTF?!

Dropbox hasn't synced with my story for the past 2 months. I wrote on it the night before the hard drive failed. I don't know how many times I've worked on it in the 2 months since it last synced, but whether it was a tiny amount of work or a large amount, the point is that it failed.

I try to tell myself that all these obstacles, all these failures, will ultimately result in my story being better. I remind myself that since I began writing this the story has grown enormously in my head. But I can't get past the fact that the best writing I ever did, the writing from last winter in Nashville, is lost forever on a hard drive that no one can seem to recover. My BEST WRITING EVER is lost forever. How is this making my book better?

Still, I'm not giving up. If nothing else, I want to finish this original story. In my head it has grown to 6 complete books. It could even be more, and probably will, if things continue in my head like they have. 6 is a lot. But first I have to complete the very first one. And I feel that I am no closer to that than when I started because of all these hardware failures and backup failures.

ARGH!!!!

Monday, November 03, 2014

News, Headlines and Monkeys Flinging Poo


For weeks now all the left-wing news programs have been screaming doom and gloom about ebola. They loved it. It distracted from the Democrats many scandals, especially Obama's. But then people started noticing that President Obama was totally mishandling the situation, as he has every single situation that has come before him over the past 6 years. And so they suddenly shifted gears, declaring out of nowhere that ebola was no threat at all, mocking us for feeling any concern at all, blaming Fox news and George Bush, as if our concern hadn't been encouraged by them all along. It was the very opposite of how they handled AIDS, in which they insisted, equally falsely, that it wasn't primarily a gay disease or a drug abusers disease, but a disease that threatened to KILL US ALL!!! Both times they lied. Both times they sacrificed any pretense of integrity for political reasons. But this time they have no credibility left, except among the most devout of socialist believers. As for the rest of us, we're no longer listening.



The polls are indicating that Republicans are going to take over both the House of Representatives and the Senate. Professional bomb-thrower and suspected lunatic Debbie Wasserman Schulz is screaming that it'll never happen and even if it does it still won't happen, whatever the hell that means.  Conservatives news sites, the few that exist, are celebrating this as a great victory and a blow to Obama, our socialist leader. All the rest of the news sites, each one owned and operated by hard-left socialists, are both denying it and at the same time declaring that it has nothing to do with Obama's policies or ineptness. For the rest of us, I don't believe it will make all that much difference. After all, the only reason Republicans can give for choosing them over the Democrats is that if they don't take the Senate then Obama will get to continue packing the federal courts with communist racists and militant homosexuals. That's not exactly a strong endorsement of their own great plan for America that they can only warn that if we don't give control to them then the homosexual communists will pack our courts. How about telling us something GOOD that Republicans will do if given control? There's a thought.



A woman with brain cancer, Brittany Maynard, has decided to end her life rather than endure the slow, horrible and painful death that accompanies cancer of the brain. I'd love to be able to make some snarky remark about this, but I had a friend die that way and it wasn't funny at all. Seeing photos of her smiling and healthy accompanying the headlines that she has killed herself simply makes me feel very sad. Why can't we talk about something else?


Headlines are talking about Michelle Obama running for the US Senate. If the vote fraud machine can stuff the ballots enough to force Al Franken upon us all then I have little doubt that even after the disaster that is President Obama they can still force Michelle on us. And the media won't utter a peep of protest at the obvious fraud of it all. Then again, the vote fraud machine was necessary for Harry Reid himself to keep from losing his seat in the Senate just a few short years ago. So perhaps instead of admiring 'great leaders' we should simply admire the 'great vote fraud machine' and its amazing ability to rob and yet fool so many millions of people all over the world? It truly is remarkable to witness this, time and time again, from the United States to Russia to China to Venezuela to Germany and France and Spain and Italy, the vote fraud is rampant. All that is necessary for the Vote Fraud to win is to declare that the final count was very close, 51% to 49%, but "our candidate won." People continuously stare the fraudulent votes in the face and declare, "ah, we were close. Next time we'll win." No, you'll never win. It's rigged. Do something about the vote fraud if you want your votes to count. Otherwise, what are you really accomplishing?



A feminist New York woman created a video in which she walked down a city street while black and hispanic men approached her and tried to chat her up. She said the purpose of the video was to show how bad it is to be a woman in America today. But the New York Times is complaining that the video is racist because virtually all of the men harassing her are minorities, and thus entitled to behave in a manner which is prohibited to white males. As for me, I don't care. It's a non-story, of no importance at all.   But I do find it interesting that the woman has large breasts and a large butt, physical characteristics that black men traditionally find irresistible.


Ford, Chevy and Dodge are all upping the ante in the muscle car wars. Dodge has taken the lead with its 707 horsepower Dodge Challenger Hellcat, eclipsing the Shelby Mustang GT500 and blowing away the Chevy Camaro. In the totally-straight-line quarter mile the Dodge Challenger is now the king, but in all races where turning is required the Camaro has taken over first place from the Mustang and is now king of the road. And still no one cares because the Camaro owners just want the Camaro and the Mustang people just want their Mustang and those of us who want a little more room prefer the Challenger regardless of who won what.



Dell Computers keeps on sucking. My third Dell laptop, the one that has had its hard drive replaced twice, died again today. I had to call Dell and go through all the steps that tell them that my hard drive is dead, even though I already told them "my hard drive is dead. It even told me it finds no hard drive, which means the drive is dead." But they never believe me. So I spent an hour on the phone with India going through their manual on how to determine what is wrong. They concluded that, yes, my hard drive is dead. Then they kept me on the line another 15 minutes so I could talk to a supervisor who simply wanted to ask me if I'm happy with Dell. Hell no, I'm not happy with Dell. But I don't want to spend another fucking second on the phone with India, so I lied and told them I was very happy. And now, being done with them, I'm going online and buy an HP. When my Dell returns from the warranty-paid-for repair I'm going to throw it in the stack of unreliable Dells and avoid using it at all costs. Fuck Dell.



In St. Petersburg, Russia, a giant monument to the Apple iPhone was dismantled following the CEO of Apple, Tim Cook's, announcement that he's gay. Said Russian President Vladimir Putin, "see, I told you all that artsy-fartsy shit from Apple was gay!" And then he took off his shirt and rode a white stallion through the center of town for no particular reason.


A man in Australia taxied his plane to a pub and went in for a few pints of beer. Police, quite predictably, were not amused. Everyone else in Australia cheered the man for being a true, blue Aussie. Around the world, people seemed to feel that what he did was just a typical Aussie doing what Aussie's do, which is to let absolutely nothing stop him from his afternoon pint even if he has to land a plane and drive down public streets in order to do it. Tradition, after all, must be maintained!

Cheers!

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