|Hater of white people, capitalism and Christian America resigns|
Eric Holder - professional bank robber, racist, and alleged homosexual - resigned his position as US Attorney General. Some are speculating that he did it to avoid prosecution for all the serious crimes he has either committed and/or helped to cover up. Others are speculating that he's taking advantage of his position and connections while he still can to get out on the open market and blackmail either a corporation or ivy league university into giving him a purely decorative position with fancy title and excessively high salary, much like everyone associated with the Clinton White House received. Personally I think he's planning to go to Syria where Barack Obama is going to arrange the murder of the current leader of Syria in order to place Eric in charge so he can finally play King Eric for realz.
A 'true feminist' shot and killed her NFL quarterback boyfriend at the apartment they shared together. In response, the NFL has talked endlessly about domestic violence and the epidemic of psychotic predatory women who take advantage of lonely NFL players in order to rob them blind. They have contracted numerous celebrities and professional athletes to do advertisements in which they say "No more" and then go on to discuss the fact that they aren't willing to tolerate NFL players be abused anymore. This move was considered shocking mostly because the biggest abusers of NFL players have always been NFL owners, ie the NFL itself. But this time the NFL says they have had enough and are finally going to stand up and take care of their players for the first time ever. Also, in response to several former and current NFL players being diagnosed with testicular cancer, the NFL has designated October to be "testicular cancer month" and are instructing players, coaches, referees and cheerleaders to wear blue in order to help raise awareness of testicular cancer. Yep, this is totally happening. Not being sarcastic at all. No sarcasm here. Not even a smidgen. Mmm hmm.
|I'm a crazy cunt. Let's fight.|
Rosie O'Donnell and Whoopie Goldberg got into a huge fight today on "The View." Unfortunately, no one was killed.
|Fore more years!|
The President, wearing a Titleist ball cap, says that he is sending US soldiers to Liberia to catch ebola. Meanwhile, he insists there is nothing we can do to secure our wide open borders as millions of criminals, diseased people and terrorists swarm into our country. President Obama says it is not a crisis, he can't stop it, and he hopes all these criminal illegals will remember to vote Democrat even though it is illegal for non-citizens to vote in US elections, and he hopes they will do so many, many times in every election.
|Yay, I love awards for doing absolutely nothing!|
Oprah Winfrey and Harry Belafonte are being honored by Harvard University because ... neither one of them went there. And if this makes sense to you, President Obama says that America is "leading from behind." Wow, that's genius. I mean, I assume it is because it seems to make no sense and clearly, based on the Peace Prize being awarded to Obama for absolutely no accomplishments and Harvard honoring 2 black people for being black and nothing more, this clearly must make perfect sense to ivy league billionaires in Massachusetts.
|Help, I need somebody |
Help, I can't get this album off my iPod
In music news, Apple has decided to forcibly give away U2's newest able by pushing it onto every Apple device in the world regardless of whether the owner of the device wants the album or not. Based on the reactions of the recipients, who have demanded that Apple give them a tool to uninstall the album, they do not.
|Loves to shop, never pays|
Argentina, a South American country that, like all South American countries, keeps crawling back to the vomit that is communism, has fallen from one of the richest and freest nations in South America to one that is totally and completely bankrupt, having spent every last penny of other people's money and then gone deeply into debt. Like all previous bankrupt communist nations, they are now refusing to pay their debts. Not to worry, though, because they have a female president, and in the minds of wealthy financial experts in and around New York City, this is all that really matters. The cash will continue to flow freely to Argentina until such a time as they should cease to have a female president or renounce communism.
|CBS - we love sexual violence|
In network television news, CBS is running a series of ads blaming men, and only men, for all sexual violence and abuse in the world. Simultaneously, CBS is also running a series of ads featuring female detectives sexually assaulting handcuffed men, which they are using to promote their new all-female police programs. Hypocrite much?
Obama has appointed a lesbian to head the US Secret Service. Almost immediately the gay and lesbian community, which lesbians refer to as the lesbian and gay community, praised his decision. Also almost immediately, several men were able to leap over the White House fence and get inside the White House before being stopped by the cleaning crew. No word yet on where the Secret Service was during the recent spate of White House break-ins, but rumor has it they were out playing golf with Hillary Clinton.
In the most shocking news of the week, on Sunday the Dallas Cowboys beat the stink out of the New Orleans Saints. Following this, the Kansas City Chiefs beat the stink out of the New England Patriots. And there was much rejoicing!