Tuesday, July 22, 2014

10 Spectacular Things About Me

1. I'm anti-ambidextrous, which is to say, I'm equally clumsy with either hand or foot.

2. I'm bilingual. I can curse with such proficiency that it is practically a second language to me.

3. I'm a hard core environmental conservationist. Why just tonight I noticed that one of my bushes was being attacked by bagworms and another bush by fungus. So I absolutely drowned the bagworm bush in insecticide and the other bush in fungicide. No amount of poison is too much when I'm trying to save a plant, I tell you what!

4. I'm a dedicated athlete. I'll sit and watch professional sports for hours on end. And not just popular sports like football, but weird sports, too, like the Tour de France and Supercross and Formula 1 racing. I get all out-of-breath just watching these exciting events.

5. I'm a spectacularly skilled driver. Just a month or two ago I was at the Millington Motorsports Park go-kart racing against a small army of men and children. I ran a perfect line and never once used the brakes. I came in 2nd to last, but by God I drove beautifully up until my big crash.

6. I'm super entertaining at parties. All my friends are all the time sending me invites to their parties. And whenever there is dancing I am sure to be sitting in my seat watching them dance and smiling with appreciation for their enthusiasm. True, I rarely ever dance myself, but that's only because I completely suck at it. Perhaps my enthusiasm for other people's dancing is why I get invited? Or perhaps its simply because they send out mass-invites on Facebook and I'm one of a hundred people who receives one? Either way, I can almost always be counted on to reply with 'Maybe.'

7. Women find me fascinating. Everywhere I go, beautiful women pretend to totally ignore me, but I know that they're watching me out of the corner of their eyes and keeping up with my movements. Or perhaps they just think I'm creepy and look like a rapist? Either way, they're thinking about me and that's all that really matters.

8. Animals love me. Even as I write this my cat is sleeping on my foot. I don't know why she's sleeping on my foot, but while she's lying there my other cat has come in and tried to force her to move so he could sleep on my foot. Animals LOVE my feet.

9. I'm the smartest person in the room right now. Granted, I'm alone other than the cat, but she pees in a plastic box filled with crushed clay and eats rodents. How smart can she be?

10. I'm a super smart detective. 2 hours ago "Rizzoli and Isles" came on. It was a new episode. I watched 5 minutes of it, said to the Mrs "the husband did it" and walked out of the room. I didn't get a chance to watch the rest of the episode until the final 10 minutes, but sure enough, it was the husband. By God, I don't know why the FBI doesn't recruit me to come to Washington and solve their toughest cases. I'm damned good at TV mysteries!

Memphis Steve is my hero!

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Loonies On the Path - XLIX - White Trash Loser

So you're a white trash loser in a tiny little white trash minitruck, eh? Yes, you are. And you seem to feel entitled, don't you?

Yes, you do.

You feel entitled to just pull right on out and demand that everyone get out of your way or else, don't you?

Yes, you do.

And when you pull right on out and get into the center lane and rush hour traffic, packed bumper-to-bumper, doesn't instantly swerve and crash into the cars in the right hand lane just to allow you to not have to stop and wait for the traffic to actually clear, you feel that you have been wronged somehow, don't you?

Yes, you do.

And when I didn't instantly slam into the pickup truck next to me in order to let you just cut right on over into me, thus forcing you to do what middle-class intelligent people do, which is to stop, turn on your signal, and wait for a clearing so that you can safely pull into traffic and go, this made you real mad, didn't it?

Get out of my way!!!

Yes, it did. Because you feel entitled. You feel you should be allowed to just go any time you want without any regard whatever for anyone else. You feel entitled the way BMW drivers feel entitled. Except you're not in a BMW. You're in a white trash shitpile minitruck that rattles your brains, beats you up and generally wears you out so that you feel perpetually cranky.

Get off my sidewalk, cretin!

And when you got mad that I didn't slam into someone else in an attempt to give you the lane I was in without any regard for myself or the other people in traffic, you didn't hesitate to take your cell phone from your ear, raise your hand still holding your cell phone, and shoot a big old white trash bird at me in order to make sure I knew that you are Entitled and don't have to wait for traffic to clear before you pull on out like the rest of us do, didn't you?

Yes, you did.

White Trash waving 'hello'

And as I drove past you I slowed and briefly considered pulling into your lane and stopping in front of you so that I could get out and walk right up and talk to you about this finger of yours. Sometimes that's what I like to do with people like you. I find it useful to force assholes and bitches to actually face the people they target without the benefit of two whole cars between you and me to help you feel brave. I thought about this, and then I looked at your shitpile little white minitruck with no options and absolutely nothing good about it, and you with your dirty hair, dirty clothes and stupid face and nothing going for you at all. And I looked at me and my Dodge Challenger SRT and all that I have going for me and I realized something.

I realized that you are nothing more than a little shit on the roadside throwing rocks at the cars of adults because you're angry that you don't have what the rest of us have. You're a loser. You're a nothing. You're a coward. And you'll always be a loser and a nothing and a coward. You'll always be white trash.

And I don't have to do anything to hurt you and embarrass you. Life and your personality have already done that for me.

So I just drove away, leaving White Trash Loser sitting in the turn lane waiting for an opening in traffic like the rest of us frequently have to do, and I didn't acknowledge him or flick him off or honk or respond in any way at all. Because I don't have to.

And then I suddenly wondered something - was that Ass Rider Boy all grown up, so-to-speak, and now having to work an actual job and pay his own way? It sure looked a lot like him. And he acted exactly like him. This incident was almost the exact same scenario that set that white trash loser off over 10 years ago and started this whole Loonies On the Path series in the first place. Could it be? Have we crossed paths again only to discover that he hasn't grown up the least little bit in 10 long years? I think so.

Ass Rider Boy - 2004

Sunday, July 06, 2014

Not Too Deep

Kiss the Brits and rejoin the empire

I know some of you are probably wondering why I haven't said more than I already have about the endless Obama scandals threatening to rip our nation apart. Clearly he wants to stretch our Constitution as far as possible and see how many holes we'll let him put in it before we do something. This is no accident. But right now I just don't have the energy to comment on all of the scandals. There are so many and no sign of him wanting to stop creating more. He's enjoying this. But I'm not and I don't want to blog about it right now.

 I'd like to say that I don't want to blog about politics because I have something else much more interesting to say, but I don't. It's the Fourth of July holiday weekend here and it hasn't been as exciting as usual for various reasons.

I have a friend who usually throws a giant party on the Fourth of July, but one of their best friends died last year and they just didn't feel like doing it this year. Its a long story, but we knew at last year's party it would likely be his last. This year we went to someone else's house and just sat around talking with a handful of people, drinking and discussing whether Carl Palmer is the greatest drummer or not, among other things. We decided that he is and that was settled.

There were, of course, fireworks. And as is an annual tradition, one of them fell over and nearly blasted the guy who was setting them all off. We laughed and declared that it isn't a proper Fourth without one of us getting shot by an errant firework, thus jinxing ourselves. The very next firework involved a cannon shell and it, too, fell over. The shell fired faster than we could react straight into all of us a solid 100 yards away, going underneath a table and glancing off a beer and a shin bone before exploding in a burst of chemical light and flame behind a bench containing 2 grown men, one now having a bruised shin and spilt beer. He cursed the loss of his beer and we all laughed. We've awarded him a purple heart.

Because how else is everyone going to know about your fabulous statue by the pool?
Aside from that, this has been a very uneventful weekend. The Mrs isn't feeling well so I've been home taking care of her. I haven't even taken my muscle cars out for a drive and the weather is perfect for it. Mostly I've read and looked at Facebook where I see how much more fun everyone else is having than me. I see everyone's boat and bathing suit bodies and big screen TVs and all that they're doing and how fabulous it all is. Meanwhile, we are here dealing with our house being torn apart and the Mrs being ill. But we will recover.

 So what did you do this weekend? Did you celebrate the Fourth of July or do you live somewhere that doesn't recognize that holiday? Since my weekend was uneventful why don't you tell me about yours?

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