I want to thank you for your invaluable contributions to our society.
Your vintage haircuts, keeping the mullet alive single handedly. Good for you!
Your commitment to American pickup truck manufacturers is unyielding. You may not have money for a decent home, child support, a pair of pants or shirt that fits properly, dental care, or shoes for your children, but when it comes to buying a brand new pickup truck, money is no object!
Your amazing parking lot skills are unparalleled. While the rest of us imbeciles drive around searching for a parking space between the normal marked lines, you ingeniously create a spot for yourself by simply pulling your shiny new pickup truck up onto the sideway right in front of the front doors of Walmart, or sometimes sideways across 3 handicapped parking spots up at the very front, always securing for yourself the best possible parking. How smart you are!
Your enormous television set which takes up nearly your entire living room in your house trailer is dwarfed only by the size of your pickup truck. You may not have a decent home or money for your child's diabetes medication, but nothing is going to prevent you from having that 50 inch flat screen 3D high definition television set prominently displayed in your curtainless living room where all the neighbors can see it. And really, isn't that the whole point?
You have starred in more episodes of "Cops" than almost anyone else in America with the exception perhaps of your black inner city counterparts. If not for you, there probably wouldn't even still be a show called "Cops" because they'd eventually run out of material. Thank God you are there to perpetually provide them with crazy new antics to entertain us all.
Speaking of your willingness to entertain us all, I really do want to thank you for your amazing fearlessness and enthusiasm for alcohol, fireworks and hurling your own body into some of the most insane situations imaginable, always prefacing your acrobatics with a happy "hey ya'll, watch this!" With most people when I see them tumbling head over heels down a cliff, or off the roof of their mother's house, or being burned nearly to death by fireworks, or being hit by a friend's automobile while trying to jump over it on video, I feel some sort of sympathy or concern for their well being. But with you there is no need for sympathy. You need none of it and I feel no sympathy at all. If your latest remarkable stunt doesn't kill or cripple you, we can all rest assured that you will do it again soon enough because you enjoy it. Your IQ may not be high, but your bravery is remarkable.
Here's to you, white trash morons! You don't live very long, thus saving us the cost of your disability payments, health care and eventual imprisonment, and while you are still living you never cease your quest to entertain the rest of the world with inane stunts and clown-like stupidity.